I’m not counting this one as a post-a-day because I wrote it up as a stupidly long Facebook status. I just wanted to keep it here, it has enough of my heart in it that it feels like it belongs. I’ve been with the love of my life for three years, and this is how I feel about it.
It’s January 8th and I don’t quite know what to say. I feel like I should have been writing something up for weeks, trying to make this perfect, but then again I don’t need it to be perfect, that’s the beauty of this whole thing.
Three years ago, I started dating Konner. Very quickly it went from “dating” to “holy shit I never want to be apart from him for more than like a few hours for the rest of my life”. He slipped right into my life, fit so perfectly that if I think about the fact that only three years ago there was a time where I didn’t see him and speak to him and hug him and kiss him every day I get a little panicky.
And yet, it feels like no time has passed at all. I simultaneously can’t believe it’s been three years and feel like it’s been my whole 24 years of existence all at once. I suppose that’s the way it’s supposed to feel when you’re with the person you’re truly meant to be with. This is what it’s like when you’ve found that soul that yours seeks out, and you’re having an amazing time with them.
I can’t begin to put into words all the things I have to thank you for, my love. The three years you’ve been with me through have been full of incredible highs and lows. You’ve seen me through the triumphs of graduation, the pride of beginning to adult on my own, and the hardships of my anxiety pummeling me into intermittent non-functional-ness. There are people who would leave me over my paranoia, my anxiety, my panic, my irrationality when my mental health is at its worst….and you only stand more firmly by me. What have I done to be worthy of that? I’m continually floored by my good luck, grateful every day to be given the gift of your love and loyalty.
Through the ups and downs of learning to be adults, we’ve also had some incredible adventures. Our roadtrip was one of the most brilliant things I’ve ever done. If there ever needed to be more proof that we’re truly made for each other, it’s that our joint idea of an amazing first vacation was to spend a week absorbing history and art and facts and information in each other’s goofy company, including long, long hours in a car. I was never once bored. I cannot wait to go on many more weird nerdy vacations with you.
This year of being in love with you has brought with it cohabitation and, while so many people congratulated us on this “big step” in our relationship, I was just happy that it made seeing you and talking to you and being close to you easier. Yeah, sometimes we yell at each other in the middle of the night because we’re cranky and pissed off, but really nothing has changed other than that you’re closer to me now, and I love that. I love moments like these, right now, where you’re asleep next to me and the tv is playing something inane (QVC) and everything feels, briefly, right with the world. I love how easy this feels. I love that I don’t have to try to live with you. I love how you being here is just making living easier. Yeah, we need to divvy up who does the dishes and laundry, but coming home to you when I’m tangled in knots of anxiety, hugging you, and feeling those cords loosed as soon as I do…that’s my definition of perfection. You’re my definition of home. Home is right there, with my face smashed into the crook of your neck. Even when I’m obsessing over whether that bump in your neck could kill you. Thanks for dealing with that, by the way.
You make me feel beautiful and special and talented and worth it and all the things I never, ever feel about myself. I hope and pray I’ll be able to see myself the way you see me someday. With your help I think I might get there, slowly. You encourage me to do everything because you can see that I’m capable of it all, even when I can’t fathom it. You give me comfort when I need comfort, you give me pressure when I need pressure. I can’t be certain of my success in life, in all the things I want to do, I don’t have that confidence. But I do have confidence that I’ll find success with you beside me. You won’t let me fail.
Konner, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re the smile on my saddest day, you’re my best friend, my cosplay partner, my other half. You’re the Alex to my John. You’re the Ruby to my Sapphire. You’re the Time Lord that I stole from Western Mass and ran away with. I never want to lose you, I’ll always be right here with you, because you’re a whole constellation of stars and I can’t stop staring, learning about you, and seeing new wonderful patterns in your many points of brilliant light.
I love you so much. Thank you for being mine.